Disrupted: My Misadventure in the Start-Up Bubble by Dan Lyons

Author:Dan Lyons
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: Autobiography / Personal Memoirs, Biography &#38
Publisher: Hachette Books
Published: 2016-04-04T14:00:00+00:00

Thirteen

The Ron Burgundy of Tech

Imagine Joel Osteen pumped up on human growth hormone. Imagine there’s a secret government lab where scientists have blended the DNA of Tony Robbins with the DNA of Harold Hill, the aw-shucks shifty salesman from The Music Man. Imagine a grizzly bear in a pinstriped suit, standing on his hind legs and talking about changing the world through disruptive innovation and transformation.

If you can imagine those things then you can almost imagine the horror of seeing Marc Benioff, the billionaire founder and CEO of Salesforce.com, on stage at his company’s annual conference, Dreamforce.

It’s November 2013, and that’s where I am, along with Cranium and Spinner and a bunch of other HubSpotters, sitting through Benioff’s three-hour keynote speech on the opening day of the conference. I was psyched when Cranium asked me to go to Dreamforce, if only for the chance to spend a few days in San Francisco. I haven’t been back here since I left my job at ReadWrite. I have a list of people I want to see, restaurants I want to visit.

But San Francisco is a shitshow. One hundred forty thousand people have descended on a one-square-mile area of downtown. Dreamforce takes place over four days, with concerts and comedians and inspirational speakers. It’s basically Woodstock for people who work in sales and marketing. Or, as Benioff has declared, “the largest and most transformational event in the history of enterprise technology.”

Entire blocks have been shut down to traffic. All of downtown is gridlocked. Restaurants and hotels are booked solid. I’m staying at the Courtyard Marriott, which was my home away from home during my stint as editor of ReadWrite. Last year I spent so many months living in this hotel that when I walk into the lobby the woman at the front desk recognizes me and remembers my name. Last year I paid $129 a night. This week, because of Dreamforce, I’m paying close to $700 a night. As for getting around town, forget about finding a taxi. They’re all booked. Oh, and the forecast calls for rain. It’s a nightmare.

None of this is as awful as Benioff himself. He stands six-feet-five-inches tall and weighs three hundred pounds, with gleaming white teeth and curly black hair that glistens with hair gel. He is a former salesperson who now sells software that lets other salespeople sell more stuff. It’s called customer relationship management, or CRM, software. Benioff is also one of the wealthiest people in the world, a member of the Forbes billionaire list. Here in the main auditorium of the Moscone Center, thousands of people who sell things over the Internet are standing up and cheering for him as if he’s some kind of superhero.

The whole thing makes me depressed, in part because Benioff is a buffoon, a bullshit artist, and such an out-of-control egomaniac that it is painful to listen to him talk. He lives in Hawaii and signs his emails “Aloha.” He’s a Buddhist and hangs out with Zen monks from Japan, and he gave his golden retriever the title “chief love officer” at his company.

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